1 00:00:26,859 --> 00:00:30,580 Good evening. It's pure joy to be back with you once again, isn't it, Ross? 2 00:00:30,620 --> 00:00:34,000 Indeed it is. And in a packed programme tonight, we shall be showing you the new 3 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:35,080 Mafia scarecrow. 4 00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:39,360 It's so terrifying, not only do the birds not take any seed, they bring back 5 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:40,360 seed they took last year. 6 00:00:41,780 --> 00:00:46,220 And we'll be out and about with the Bishop of Bath and Wells to see him 7 00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:50,200 consecrate a swimming pool, bless three wells, confirm a bidet and christen a 8 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,200 low -level suite. 9 00:00:53,610 --> 00:00:57,150 In the High Court today, a man complained of a noise made by an amorous 10 00:00:57,150 --> 00:00:58,089 in the flat above. 11 00:00:58,090 --> 00:01:01,590 Each evening, they'd sing the red flag, then eat supper and have fun on the sofa 12 00:01:01,590 --> 00:01:03,390 and take a very naughty bath together. 13 00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:06,450 So every night, it was hammer and tickle, cheese and pickle, slap and 14 00:01:06,450 --> 00:01:07,450 bubble and squeak. 15 00:01:10,830 --> 00:01:15,790 Complaints. Complaints were made following the annual chef's fancy dress 16 00:01:15,790 --> 00:01:16,790 last night. 17 00:01:16,870 --> 00:01:21,250 A woman dressed only in gooseberries and cream made an improper suggestion to a 18 00:01:21,250 --> 00:01:22,530 man dressed in cake and cherry. 19 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,540 She made a proper fool of herself and he got a trifle excited. 20 00:01:27,780 --> 00:01:31,860 Mr. Osbert Grove, Britain's worst postman, who claims he was wrongfully 21 00:01:31,860 --> 00:01:36,260 dismissed by the GPO, today delivered a petition to the Queen at 19 Riversdale 22 00:01:36,260 --> 00:01:37,260 Road, Ashton -under -Lyne. 23 00:01:40,660 --> 00:01:47,160 Finally, Rolo Belch, Britain's most bilious man, suffered a major setback 24 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:50,900 in his bid to sue the old Istanbul Donner Kebab House. 25 00:01:51,370 --> 00:01:52,850 His stomach settled out of court. 26 00:01:55,050 --> 00:01:57,990 And now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett in the role of a schoolboy with 27 00:01:57,990 --> 00:02:00,050 short legs who learns to play the cello. Signs out. 28 00:02:30,540 --> 00:02:33,200 No, this is 63 Puddle Duck Lane. 29 00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:34,500 Well, that's near enough. 30 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,900 I've got this parcel here for Mr. 31 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:39,580 J -O -N -E -S. 32 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:43,180 Mr. J -O -N... Oh, that's me, Robinson. 33 00:02:43,620 --> 00:02:44,620 It's me. 34 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:50,800 Have you got any identification on you, like some of your dress you like? 35 00:02:51,180 --> 00:02:52,200 Well, of course I have. 36 00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:54,640 That. Oh, yeah, that's good enough. 37 00:02:55,380 --> 00:02:58,120 You go in and I'll knock. 38 00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:00,470 I can't get in, it's locked. 39 00:03:00,630 --> 00:03:01,630 Oh, well, you knock. 40 00:03:02,170 --> 00:03:04,450 Well, I don't think anyone will answer. Why not? 41 00:03:04,730 --> 00:03:05,730 Because I live on my own. 42 00:03:06,450 --> 00:03:07,930 Don't you have a key? 43 00:03:08,250 --> 00:03:11,690 Well, of course I've got a key, but it don't fit. Why don't it fit? 44 00:03:12,030 --> 00:03:15,130 Well, if I lost it, anyone could get in, wouldn't they? Oh, yeah. 45 00:03:16,190 --> 00:03:18,450 You're no fool, are you? No, of course I'm not. 46 00:03:19,030 --> 00:03:22,910 Well, listen, I'm going to sit down here, and while we're waiting, I'm going 47 00:03:22,910 --> 00:03:23,888 twiddle my thumb. 48 00:03:23,890 --> 00:03:26,430 Oh, really? The missus always does mine. 49 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,700 My toes did half ache. 50 00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:34,660 I think I've got me shoes on the wrong feet. 51 00:03:35,140 --> 00:03:36,760 Well, those be early on, then. 52 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:39,480 You know he's in London. 53 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:45,800 Meant to ask you something. Was it you or your missus was knocked down by a bus 54 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:46,698 the other day? 55 00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:47,700 When was that? 56 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,080 Tuesday, wasn't it? Oh, that'll be the missus. 57 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:52,040 Where were you? 58 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:53,100 I was driving the bus. 59 00:03:55,740 --> 00:03:58,480 Do you miss her? I did Monday. I ran out of petrol. 60 00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:04,210 last night. No. 61 00:04:04,550 --> 00:04:06,830 Oh, that's funny. Your voice usually travels from oil. 62 00:04:08,470 --> 00:04:09,470 Yeah. 63 00:04:14,110 --> 00:04:16,209 What are you laughing at in that paper? 64 00:04:16,470 --> 00:04:17,790 I don't know. I can't read. 65 00:04:19,269 --> 00:04:20,930 I can't give it here. 66 00:04:21,370 --> 00:04:27,010 Oh, look. It says, Vicar posed as duck in blue movies with girl guides. 67 00:04:27,750 --> 00:04:29,150 You never read that. 68 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:30,970 You're a friend of the Vicar's. 69 00:04:32,090 --> 00:04:36,830 No, he says here, the vicar has three previous convictions and the duck has 70 00:04:38,710 --> 00:04:41,690 Terrible thing happened to my brother, you know, on his wedding night. Oh? 71 00:04:41,690 --> 00:04:42,990 not actually him, to his bride. 72 00:04:43,390 --> 00:04:48,090 They locked her in the bathroom and dressed the duck up in all the bridal 73 00:04:48,230 --> 00:04:49,490 Oh, did he notice? 74 00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:51,530 Not to the following Easter, no. 75 00:04:53,230 --> 00:04:55,150 He gave her an egg and she sat in it. 76 00:04:56,150 --> 00:05:00,270 Yeah, well, I can sympathise with her because I'm short -sighted. 77 00:05:00,750 --> 00:05:02,290 Can you see that cow there? 78 00:05:02,610 --> 00:05:06,770 What, the near cow or the far cow? The near one. No. 79 00:05:09,290 --> 00:05:12,110 I can't even see as far as me glasses. 80 00:05:13,310 --> 00:05:15,670 I tell you what, I've always wondered this. 81 00:05:16,250 --> 00:05:19,110 Is Englebert Humperdinck his real name? 82 00:05:19,990 --> 00:05:22,610 Is Englebert Humperdinck whose real name? 83 00:05:23,270 --> 00:05:24,270 Tom Jones. 84 00:05:26,010 --> 00:05:27,730 Probably, very probably, yeah. Oh, yeah. 85 00:05:27,970 --> 00:05:30,950 Listen, what is the postage on that? 86 00:05:31,210 --> 00:05:36,590 Well, you see, it's according to the weight. Yeah. And that being like in 87 00:05:36,590 --> 00:05:37,890 is minus 12p. 88 00:05:39,290 --> 00:05:40,630 What shape is that? 89 00:05:40,970 --> 00:05:42,250 Well, it don't say on it. 90 00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:44,930 Looks like one half a Dolly Parton to me. 91 00:05:46,290 --> 00:05:47,290 Which half? 92 00:05:47,450 --> 00:05:48,450 The small half. 93 00:05:49,490 --> 00:05:52,830 Well, I'm going to tear it now. Here you are. You better have that. 94 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:01,220 Your shoes are bad. You ought to take them up the wasp name. 95 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,520 Cobblers. Well, that's nice, isn't it? I'm only trying to help. 96 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:17,300 ...with another of his own compositions, Why Can't It Wait Till Morning? Ladies 97 00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:18,760 and gentlemen, Bill Collins. 98 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:49,320 Why can't it wait till morning? 99 00:06:53,140 --> 00:06:58,240 We talked about it then. 100 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:05,020 Because I've had a drink too many. 101 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:09,580 And my troubles, well, I ain't got any. 102 00:07:11,660 --> 00:07:13,680 Why can't... 103 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:17,300 Till daylight. 104 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:26,100 Things seem much clearer there. 105 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:32,880 I'm tired and my eyes are weary. 106 00:07:33,460 --> 00:07:36,120 And I just want you like. 107 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:17,520 Because I just want to hold you so close to me. 108 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:24,440 It'll take care of itself. 109 00:08:25,340 --> 00:08:30,340 And I want to sleep so I can't wait 110 00:08:30,340 --> 00:08:32,400 till. 111 00:09:39,820 --> 00:09:40,820 Hello, Dudley. 112 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:42,400 How's it going? 113 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:44,740 Why? What's the matter with it? 114 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:47,880 What's the matter with it? 115 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,500 I found it. 116 00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:52,200 Found it? Where then? 117 00:09:52,460 --> 00:09:55,540 In a tobacconist. Someone must have dropped it on the carter. 118 00:09:57,260 --> 00:09:58,540 That's criminal, that is. 119 00:09:59,060 --> 00:10:00,740 Well, only if you get caught. 120 00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:05,170 Nothing wrong with crime, is there? I mean, look at Robin Hood, eh? 121 00:10:05,370 --> 00:10:07,790 I mean, he was a hero. We never stopped robbing people. 122 00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:10,270 Well, yeah, but he only robbed the rich. 123 00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:12,450 Yeah, you know why, don't you? 124 00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:15,870 Why? Well, because the poor ain't got any money. 125 00:10:19,670 --> 00:10:22,090 Any crime in your family at all, doesn't he, I mean? 126 00:10:22,490 --> 00:10:23,890 Oh, yeah, my sister. 127 00:10:24,930 --> 00:10:25,930 She's a stripper. 128 00:10:26,450 --> 00:10:29,230 Well, that's not a crime, is it? Taking your clothes off. 129 00:10:29,910 --> 00:10:31,430 Oh, no, she don't take a... 130 00:10:31,790 --> 00:10:34,790 Clothes off? She goes up on her ruse and takes the lead off. 131 00:10:36,990 --> 00:10:42,410 My brother was up before the beat once, you know, for lighting fireworks in the 132 00:10:42,410 --> 00:10:43,410 street. 133 00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:46,690 Selling him, was he, eh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. 134 00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:52,310 I know what to do with you, my man, said the judge. I shall make the punishment 135 00:10:52,310 --> 00:10:54,030 fit the crime, he says. 136 00:10:54,590 --> 00:11:00,110 I'm going to do to you what you done to them fireworks, he says. 137 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:01,780 Well, what do you do then? 138 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:03,240 He let him off. 139 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:10,160 Welcome 140 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:18,120 to 141 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,240 another edition of Speak Off. 142 00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:23,680 Speak off! 143 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:25,080 Speak off! 144 00:11:29,740 --> 00:11:34,380 Come, you've got to come out because, because, because, because. 145 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:39,840 G'day. 146 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:41,560 Hello there. 147 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,860 We have a lovely afternoon. 148 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:46,320 It's true. 149 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,080 Good gracious. 150 00:11:48,820 --> 00:11:51,200 The sun is tight, crook. 151 00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:53,900 These sandwiches have an odd flavour. 152 00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:56,780 I think I'm going to chander. 153 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,540 I think I'm going to go walk a boat. 154 00:12:02,580 --> 00:12:06,480 Yes, this is the programme designed to familiarise you new Australians with the 155 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:07,980 language of your adoptive country. 156 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:12,140 This week we are going to look at a linguistic phenomenon known as Wagga 157 00:12:12,140 --> 00:12:13,140 Double Talk. 158 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:17,180 This can be heard not only in Wagga Wagga, but in townships as far apart as 159 00:12:17,180 --> 00:12:20,800 Ulladulla, Bindi Bindi, Kurikuri and Turramurra near Sydney -Whidney. 160 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:25,720 Its originator appears to have been a German immigrant by the name of Wilhelm 161 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,800 Nilhelm. Or Willy Nilly. 162 00:12:30,830 --> 00:12:33,310 and later died in Pago Pago of Berry Berry. 163 00:12:34,110 --> 00:12:38,150 In Wagga Wagga Double Talk, the last word of every sentence is either 164 00:12:38,150 --> 00:12:42,010 or rhymed. A typical greeting, therefore, will be, G'day, Ray. 165 00:12:44,090 --> 00:12:46,630 Similarly, you will hear, What's on the TV, Steve? 166 00:12:47,990 --> 00:12:48,990 TV being television. 167 00:12:49,190 --> 00:12:52,550 Or give us a bail mail, a bail being a telephone call. 168 00:12:52,770 --> 00:12:57,130 Now, a racetrack becomes a horse course, and the horse, of course, JJ. 169 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,420 the racing and a barbecue, you can have a dabby barbie. 170 00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:10,800 The natives of that fair town will proudly point out a wogger jogger, a 171 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:13,780 grogger, and, of course, a wogger wagger. 172 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:19,040 Likewise, a woggen wagon and a wagon wogan. 173 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:27,060 If, however, you walk, being English, you will hear the cry, going for a prom, 174 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:28,120 pom. 175 00:13:28,970 --> 00:13:31,970 Or if there are two of you, pom -pom. Or three, and the one in the middle's 176 00:13:31,970 --> 00:13:33,530 drunk, pom -tiddly -pom -pom. 177 00:13:35,370 --> 00:13:39,290 Now we finish with a clip from the new Australian film directed by and starring 178 00:13:39,290 --> 00:13:44,330 two of Wagga Wagga's favourite stars, Kevin Levin and Beryl Merrill, spoken 179 00:13:44,330 --> 00:13:45,910 throughout in their native dialect. 180 00:13:46,170 --> 00:13:50,390 Recently premiered overseas in Hong Kong, Walla Walla, Sing Sing and Mill 181 00:13:50,930 --> 00:13:56,010 In this scene, we see the local flock doc, or sheep doctor, a man who earns a 182 00:13:56,010 --> 00:14:01,060 dinkum -inkum, a good salary, Returning home. The film is presented with English 183 00:14:01,060 --> 00:14:02,060 subtitles. 184 00:14:06,820 --> 00:14:08,160 Well, well. 185 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:14,720 Some slum. 186 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,820 Duct, rough, peeling, peeling. 187 00:14:20,780 --> 00:14:23,740 Your crummy mummy is a tawdry old... 188 00:14:31,470 --> 00:14:33,710 You pong as strong as a boomer's bloomer. 189 00:14:37,030 --> 00:14:39,250 Oh, hell's bells. 190 00:14:40,890 --> 00:14:42,590 Another pommy consomme. 191 00:14:45,130 --> 00:14:48,190 Oh, that tastes worse than a kiwi's wee -wee. 192 00:14:52,110 --> 00:14:54,950 Look, I've got a right to some paka -taka. 193 00:14:55,310 --> 00:14:58,670 Hot pot, roly -poly, couscous, paw. 194 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:09,680 I'm a silly bully. 195 00:15:10,020 --> 00:15:12,320 Look, let's say we go downtown. 196 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,900 We could go and see the local Amdram. 197 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,000 They're doing Floradora. 198 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:24,920 No go. 199 00:15:25,860 --> 00:15:31,160 All right, then. How about coming up on the Zed bed for a little anky -panky? 200 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:38,120 Finally, a word of reassurance. 201 00:15:38,330 --> 00:15:41,690 If you do settle in Wagga Wagga, certain English expressions are not only 202 00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:46,230 permissible, they are actually welcome. These include tut -tut, pip -pip, wakey 203 00:15:46,230 --> 00:15:49,390 -wakey, coochie -coochie, chin -chin, here -here, and you -who. Bye -bye. 204 00:16:04,410 --> 00:16:06,250 Good morning, Master Shakespeare. 205 00:16:07,060 --> 00:16:08,060 Hello, Miltman. 206 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:11,420 How fair is thy goodly self this many a day? 207 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,460 Wish you'd speak the flaming Queen's English. 208 00:16:14,900 --> 00:16:16,200 Quite the gold chop, please. 209 00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:17,900 You don't sound very happy, sir. 210 00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:20,300 Something wrong with your latest play? 211 00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:22,200 You're not wrong there, sunshine. 212 00:16:23,140 --> 00:16:25,820 I'll be right two and eight over it, I tell you that. 213 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,660 Might I, by chance, take an itsy -bitsy gander? 214 00:16:28,940 --> 00:16:31,540 By all means, yes. You have a little butcher's there. Have a look. 215 00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:35,620 Oh. 216 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,119 What do we know? 217 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:40,320 No, we don't like it. What do you mean? No, no. Would it not be a shade better 218 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:45,940 to say, now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this 219 00:16:45,940 --> 00:16:48,640 York. Well, that's all a bit fancy, isn't it, eh? 220 00:16:49,180 --> 00:16:52,120 On top of that, it wasn't about what I writ there, you know. 221 00:16:53,260 --> 00:16:56,400 Runny cold, I said to York, he think I'll have a week in talking. 222 00:16:57,780 --> 00:16:59,060 That's all right, isn't it? 223 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:00,780 Rhymes, if you say it quick. 224 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:02,960 Relax a certain magic, sir. 225 00:17:03,830 --> 00:17:06,270 Listen, I'll tell you what, I was working on another piece the other day. 226 00:17:06,270 --> 00:17:08,790 get you to have a look at this, see what you think of that, see your opinion of 227 00:17:08,790 --> 00:17:09,790 that. 228 00:17:10,349 --> 00:17:12,569 Carry on, Othello. Good title, don't you think? 229 00:17:13,810 --> 00:17:18,609 He lacks class. I mean, the main character, Othello, does he have to be a 230 00:17:18,609 --> 00:17:19,609 bookie's runner? 231 00:17:19,670 --> 00:17:20,950 No, no, no. 232 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:22,990 Could be a pork butcher or something like that? 233 00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:27,089 Social worker? No, I fear you've missed the point entirely, sir. No, no. He 234 00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:30,190 should be a romantic. A romantic, a soldier, perchance. 235 00:17:30,620 --> 00:17:33,660 Well, what do you mean, Sergeant Major Othello in charge of the cookhouse, 236 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:34,439 something like that? 237 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:37,860 Well, if you want to make it more avant -garde, he could be coloured. 238 00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:40,380 That's a good idea, good idea. Change the title. 239 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,100 Chocolate Soldier, we could call it. 240 00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:44,960 A bit of a joke there, as a matter of fact. A joke? 241 00:17:45,180 --> 00:17:47,860 Yes, a bit of a joke, a bit of a gag, you see. Someone in the audience would 242 00:17:47,860 --> 00:17:51,420 shout, sing us a bit from the Chocolate Soldier, you see. Then Othello could 243 00:17:51,420 --> 00:17:52,420 say, which bit? 244 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,740 And the lady would shout back, the bit with the nuts in. 245 00:17:56,940 --> 00:17:57,859 Well, in Hamlet, you see. 246 00:17:57,860 --> 00:18:00,840 Then you put them in a pair of loose tights, you know, just to give it more 247 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,200 point. Yes, I must say, yes. 248 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:05,560 It needs a little soups en sec somewhere. 249 00:18:05,820 --> 00:18:07,980 What do you mean, soups en sec? Have a look at that. 250 00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:14,140 Mrs Othello, Gladys, near Ponsford, married 27 years, 11 children, 12th on 251 00:18:14,140 --> 00:18:17,180 way. I mean, I think you've got to admit that in the How's Your Father 252 00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,060 department, Othello was quite tasty. 253 00:18:19,860 --> 00:18:22,920 Well, far be it from me to criticise the great William Shakespeare, but it 254 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,540 certainly doesn't take one's pulses racing. 255 00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:26,820 Oh. Perhaps I should go back to selling insurance. 256 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:31,300 What do you think? Oh, pox on that, sir. It would be a crime indeed to deprive 257 00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:33,740 the world of the majesty of your great work. 258 00:18:34,140 --> 00:18:36,520 There's another thing I was working on the other day. 259 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,500 Have a butcher's at that. See what you think. Oh, Julius Caesar. 260 00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:40,739 Yes. 261 00:18:40,740 --> 00:18:41,740 Don't like it, do you? 262 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,260 You don't like it until I can tell. 263 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:44,520 Well, what would you have written? 264 00:18:44,780 --> 00:18:48,960 Well, I would have written something like, Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend 265 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:49,960 your ears. 266 00:18:50,140 --> 00:18:53,520 I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. 267 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:55,640 Well, that's a bit poncy, isn't it? 268 00:18:56,140 --> 00:18:57,720 I mean, look. 269 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:02,420 Look, we better plant Caesar before very long. It's a very hot day and he's 270 00:19:02,420 --> 00:19:03,420 starting to pong. 271 00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:06,100 I mean, 272 00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:10,880 goodness. Listen, anyway, I can't rabbit away here. I've got a motor on with 273 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:12,940 this. I've got a deadline here for Saturday. 274 00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,040 Richard the 111th. 275 00:19:16,790 --> 00:19:20,090 What seems to be the problem with that one? Well, I'm stuck right at the end, 276 00:19:20,150 --> 00:19:22,890 you see. He's just finished the battle, Richard, you see. He's all in his jack. 277 00:19:23,050 --> 00:19:24,050 He's just standing there. 278 00:19:24,210 --> 00:19:26,930 He's trying to call for help, you see. Call him basically for help and I can 279 00:19:26,930 --> 00:19:29,670 think of nothing worth his pay. Well, much as I would like to stay and proper 280 00:19:29,670 --> 00:19:33,630 assistance, I fear my milk round is still very long and all on foot. 281 00:19:33,990 --> 00:19:39,390 How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world. 282 00:19:40,070 --> 00:19:42,330 You ought to get the corpse to give you some transport. 283 00:19:42,970 --> 00:19:43,970 If only. 284 00:19:44,540 --> 00:19:47,080 A horse, a horse, my kingdom for all. 285 00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:49,220 That is it. 286 00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:52,080 That is it. That is what Richard would say at the battlefield. 287 00:19:52,540 --> 00:19:53,540 That is it. 288 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:59,480 I fought so hard, me leg's gone wonky. Will somebody fetch me a bleeding 289 00:20:14,860 --> 00:20:16,380 You know what gets to me, Jevon? 290 00:20:18,580 --> 00:20:19,720 It's the quiet. 291 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:25,000 The slow, relentless quiet. 292 00:20:26,740 --> 00:20:27,740 Churning away. 293 00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:33,140 Heating at your mind hour after hour, never knowing if Jerry's down there. 294 00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:35,100 Waiting. 295 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:41,280 Slow, unending quiet, crushing your will. 296 00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:44,060 Breaking your soul. 297 00:20:58,060 --> 00:20:59,840 Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. 298 00:21:01,020 --> 00:21:02,840 Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, 299 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:03,840 cheep. 300 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:06,820 Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, 301 00:21:06,820 --> 00:21:07,820 cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. 302 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,300 Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. 303 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:13,720 Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, 304 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:14,720 cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. 305 00:21:15,420 --> 00:21:16,420 Cheep, 306 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:19,180 cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. 307 00:21:22,940 --> 00:21:24,780 Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep 308 00:21:29,900 --> 00:21:32,880 Was it slightly out of key? What? Was it slightly out of key? No, it was not. 309 00:21:36,620 --> 00:21:39,640 If it wasn't the wrong tune, sir, and it wasn't out of key, sir, why did you not 310 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:46,080 like it, sir? What did he... What did he... Just don't do it, that's all. 311 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,260 Sorry, sir. Sorry, I was only trying to help, sir. Well, don't. 312 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:55,200 God, it's quiet. 313 00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:58,920 Listen to that. Do you hear that? 314 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:01,680 Not a sound. 315 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:11,220 Just the knowledge that somewhere, down there, Jerry's sitting it out, waiting 316 00:22:11,220 --> 00:22:14,460 for us to make a move, to make a mistake. 317 00:22:15,540 --> 00:22:19,760 I can't stand it. Not a sound, not a whisper, relentless, eating at every 318 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:20,760 I can't stand it! 319 00:22:34,890 --> 00:22:36,070 It's a ship, not an aviary. 320 00:22:36,810 --> 00:22:37,810 Why do you think so? 321 00:22:38,950 --> 00:22:41,290 I thought it might relieve the tension. Well, it doesn't. 322 00:22:43,610 --> 00:22:47,030 Bad enough having Jerry down there without a midshipman who thinks he's a 323 00:22:47,030 --> 00:22:49,230 sparrow. It's the same family. 324 00:22:49,530 --> 00:22:55,610 No, sir. Not, sir. No, not really. The sparrow is much more... Shut up, Jerry! 325 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:07,540 It's so damn quiet. 326 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:14,600 Not a sound, not a whisper, just this damn, damn silence clawing at your brain 327 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:15,780 day after day. 328 00:23:16,860 --> 00:23:19,400 God, I don't know how much more of this I could take. 329 00:23:21,180 --> 00:23:22,540 I really don't. 330 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:28,420 How much more I could take before I crack. 331 00:23:41,159 --> 00:23:46,360 Are you all right, sir? 332 00:23:46,580 --> 00:23:47,800 Never felt better in my life. 333 00:23:58,300 --> 00:24:03,120 What do you make of it? Sounds 334 00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:08,380 to me... 335 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:12,260 Why would a chicken go to sea? 336 00:24:12,660 --> 00:24:14,820 I don't know why would a chicken go to sea. 337 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:17,040 I'm not joking. I'm not telling a joke. 338 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,180 I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not 339 00:24:20,180 --> 00:24:20,959 telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. 340 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,060 I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not 341 00:24:23,060 --> 00:24:23,240 telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling 342 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:24,240 a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. 343 00:24:25,980 --> 00:24:27,220 I'm not telling a joke. 344 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:28,480 I'm not telling a joke. 345 00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,420 I'm not telling a joke. 346 00:24:39,370 --> 00:24:41,390 A singing rat does chicken impressions. 347 00:24:43,170 --> 00:24:46,430 Oh, I think it's a smelly rat. It's a trickly angle, and there's a floating. 348 00:24:46,490 --> 00:24:49,450 It's not a singing rat to do chicken impressions to fool us. 349 00:24:49,690 --> 00:24:54,070 Oh, you're right, Henry. We must leave the area at once before we are 350 00:24:54,070 --> 00:24:55,070 discovered. 351 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:04,680 I think the danger is approaching. 352 00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:10,160 Whatever it is, Jevons, we've got to face it. 353 00:26:10,780 --> 00:26:11,780 Like men. 354 00:26:12,140 --> 00:26:13,140 Yes, sir. 355 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:03,320 Here is a very funny story, which got very big laughs when I told it last year 356 00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:04,079 in Las Vegas. 357 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:07,080 So I'd like to... No, 358 00:27:08,180 --> 00:27:10,880 I say Las Vegas. It wasn't actually in Las Vegas, obviously. 359 00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:13,620 More, you know, sort of outside Las Vegas. 360 00:27:14,220 --> 00:27:15,220 Islington, actually. 361 00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:20,120 Incidentally, I'd like to say that it hasn't changed me at all. No, it has 362 00:27:20,180 --> 00:27:23,580 Oh, no, it was very easy. That's because I've now topped the bill at the 363 00:27:23,580 --> 00:27:26,200 Islington Derby and Joan Club's annual dinner and break dance. 364 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:31,680 To get all starry and big time, but that is not my style. I shall still be there 365 00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:36,300 in person next week when the Ronnie Corbett Fan Club holds its annual rally 366 00:27:36,300 --> 00:27:39,300 Trafalgar Square, or if wet, in a diving suit. 367 00:27:40,340 --> 00:27:44,460 By the way, before I go any further, I have promised to dedicate this joke 368 00:27:44,460 --> 00:27:49,680 tonight to our executive producer, a very distinguished and senior man here 369 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:54,580 the BBC, and tipped by some to get a car parking space in Michael Gradesworth, 370 00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:55,760 the Honourable. 371 00:27:57,290 --> 00:27:58,290 My goodness. 372 00:27:58,330 --> 00:28:01,590 My goodness, there is a man who's come a long way since he started out in this 373 00:28:01,590 --> 00:28:03,910 business as a roadie for Tubby the Tuber. 374 00:28:05,770 --> 00:28:11,350 I met him for lunch today up in the BBC self -service canteen where there was a 375 00:28:11,350 --> 00:28:12,350 bit of a hiatus. 376 00:28:12,690 --> 00:28:16,930 All the craze had come to a standstill due to a points failure at Gooseberry 377 00:28:16,930 --> 00:28:17,930 Crumble. 378 00:28:18,490 --> 00:28:23,230 And over by the bar, over by the bar, there was a bit of a celebration going 379 00:28:23,290 --> 00:28:26,650 In fact, I think some of the stagehands have got a bit carried away because... 380 00:28:26,910 --> 00:28:29,670 when I arrived, Helena Scott was being dusted for fingerprints. 381 00:28:31,490 --> 00:28:36,450 Apparently, apparently the grape was flowing because one of the BBC 382 00:28:36,450 --> 00:28:39,130 had just become a father, funnily enough, you know, tonight at the 383 00:28:39,430 --> 00:28:42,570 The baby was said to be fine with occasional drizzle later in the day. 384 00:28:43,690 --> 00:28:48,810 Which reminds me, which reminds me, a little wave, if I may, to my wife and 385 00:28:48,810 --> 00:28:51,890 mother of my children, in case either of them is looking in. 386 00:28:54,150 --> 00:28:56,570 That's just a little joke to cheer her up. 387 00:28:56,840 --> 00:29:00,140 She is rather on edge tonight, my wife, because she has just finished writing 388 00:29:00,140 --> 00:29:04,340 her first ever romantic novel due to be published tomorrow. An amazing 389 00:29:04,340 --> 00:29:09,880 achievement, really. 800 sizzling pages of love, lust and raw passion. 390 00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:12,380 Which started out as a note to the milkman. 391 00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:21,140 Last night we invited a few media people around for dinner, 392 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:22,400 you know, to launch it. 393 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:26,880 evening which got off to a bad start when Janet Street Porter wandered into 394 00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:29,100 kitchen and the waste disposal unit went for her. 395 00:29:31,580 --> 00:29:36,780 I must tell you this joke, which is about two chaps who one day decide to 396 00:29:36,780 --> 00:29:40,740 rather an unusual bet. And talking of unusual bets, I was reminded of this 397 00:29:40,780 --> 00:29:45,180 funnily enough, by a local vicar who had just been into William Hills to put a 398 00:29:45,180 --> 00:29:47,360 Yankee on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. 399 00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:53,780 He was telling me... Oh, you died. Joke there. 400 00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:59,240 Too... Too... Oh, you died. And he was... Certainly for me. Anyway, he was 401 00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:03,260 telling me... He was... I'm rocking about quite a lot tonight. He was 402 00:30:03,260 --> 00:30:06,440 that he has been having a lot of trouble with his health, that is, the vicar, 403 00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:07,539 you know, lately. 404 00:30:07,540 --> 00:30:11,600 Grumbling appendix. Strangely enough, when I went into my hospital to have my 405 00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:14,740 appendix out, I had a terrible time of it. You know, it was one of those 406 00:30:14,740 --> 00:30:18,680 operating theatres with a gallery of medical students looking on, you know. 407 00:30:19,210 --> 00:30:20,990 I was booed off halfway through the operation. 408 00:30:23,250 --> 00:30:27,090 To a slow hand clap and cries of, bring back the tonsillectomy. 409 00:30:27,990 --> 00:30:30,890 I knew I should never have gone in there because it was one of those trendy 410 00:30:30,890 --> 00:30:34,350 progressive hospitals, you know. If your child gets a saucepan stuck in his 411 00:30:34,350 --> 00:30:37,930 head, they send around three psychiatrists with saucepans on their 412 00:30:37,930 --> 00:30:39,350 relate to the experience. 413 00:30:40,410 --> 00:30:44,590 And if a patient's temperature is up, a Catholic priest with a megaphone tries 414 00:30:44,590 --> 00:30:45,590 to talk it down. 415 00:30:46,910 --> 00:30:47,930 I digress. 416 00:30:49,350 --> 00:30:53,690 And when we return, at last, the story of these two chaps who one day go to the 417 00:30:53,690 --> 00:30:55,150 cinema to see a John Wayne film. 418 00:30:55,510 --> 00:30:56,570 I can't remember which one. 419 00:30:56,990 --> 00:30:58,930 I think it was the one, you know, in which he played a cowboy. 420 00:30:59,530 --> 00:31:03,830 But before they go in, the first chap turns to his friend and he says, here, 421 00:31:03,830 --> 00:31:06,870 said, I'm going to bet you ten pounds that at the end of this film, John Wayne 422 00:31:06,870 --> 00:31:07,870 falls off his horse. 423 00:31:08,490 --> 00:31:10,810 The other chap says, all right, he says, I bet you ten pounds at the end of the 424 00:31:10,810 --> 00:31:13,890 film that John Wayne doesn't fall off his horse. So the bet is agreed. In they 425 00:31:13,890 --> 00:31:17,870 go. And sure enough, at the end of the film, John Wayne, having cleaned up the 426 00:31:17,870 --> 00:31:21,490 Wild West with one hand, anxious to get as far away as possible before Pearl and 427 00:31:21,490 --> 00:31:28,390 Dean come on, leaps onto his trusty steed and, flat, falls off the horse 428 00:31:28,390 --> 00:31:29,390 right on his face. 429 00:31:29,630 --> 00:31:32,270 Out come the two chaps. The first one pockets the tenner. He said, there. 430 00:31:32,570 --> 00:31:33,990 He said, here. He said, I must be honest. 431 00:31:34,310 --> 00:31:37,030 He said, I've seen that film before and I knew he fell off his horse. 432 00:31:37,690 --> 00:31:40,130 And his friend said, yes. He said, I've got to be honest too. He said, I've seen 433 00:31:40,130 --> 00:31:42,690 it before as well. But I didn't think the silly fool would do it again. 434 00:32:16,690 --> 00:32:20,770 We'll be back tomorrow night. Daisy, 435 00:32:23,950 --> 00:32:28,110 Daisy, standing behind the bar. 436 00:32:28,970 --> 00:32:34,330 You're quite hazy after my 40th job. 437 00:32:34,530 --> 00:32:40,310 It's a bit of an hocus -pocus to get you into focus. 438 00:32:40,550 --> 00:32:46,290 Your sweater just goes in and out like a jelly mold built for two. 439 00:32:48,110 --> 00:32:52,650 Georgie Porgie's nearly as drunk as me. 440 00:32:53,790 --> 00:32:58,540 He's had four... I've had 23. 441 00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:05,260 But in spite of his fuller figure, my capacity's much bigger. 442 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:11,360 My hollow legs are like two kegs, and I'm feeling my wellies too. 443 00:33:12,180 --> 00:33:18,080 Sitting and looking at all the birds helps to pass the time. 444 00:33:21,130 --> 00:33:27,830 And some are really sublime. And we tempt them all with 445 00:33:27,830 --> 00:33:30,290 liquor of every sort. 446 00:33:30,690 --> 00:33:36,530 All I can offer is old and stout. With me they get something short. 447 00:33:39,020 --> 00:33:45,540 If this was the only pub in the world, I still wouldn't eat their pies. 448 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:50,140 Nothing could be lousier than the food in here. 449 00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:53,620 It's so bad it nearly puts you off your beer. 450 00:33:54,040 --> 00:34:00,720 If you have the ploughman's lunch, I swear, it tastes just like mud and 451 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:08,820 Picked a pie up and broke me fingernail. The cook here got the sack from British 452 00:34:08,820 --> 00:34:15,820 Rail. If this was the only pub in the world, we'd eat at the vet's next door. 453 00:34:16,820 --> 00:34:19,860 Still, the drink is really good. 454 00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:23,540 Like they lot the folks here. Funny lot of jokes here. 455 00:34:23,820 --> 00:34:26,659 Mild and bitter from the woot. 456 00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:30,600 Finest in the old Kent Road. You're blimey, fine. 457 00:34:30,940 --> 00:34:32,420 It's in the old Kent Road. 458 00:34:33,699 --> 00:34:34,940 Mine's a pint of brown. 459 00:34:35,199 --> 00:34:36,440 A pint of stuff in town. 460 00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:40,719 Spent the rent, but what the heck. Get the nectar down your neck. Keep your 461 00:34:40,719 --> 00:34:43,000 pecker up, lads, or life will ground you down. 462 00:34:43,440 --> 00:34:47,560 Let's not ease up. Let's have an ease up. Mine's a pint of brown. Any old 463 00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:52,340 any old time. I'll drink any old time now and then. Same again. You keep 464 00:34:52,340 --> 00:34:56,120 and I won't say when. Half past ten. Gentlemen, it's way past closing time. 465 00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:59,620 With a little bit of shot, I'll be back for more next time. Next time. 466 00:35:02,290 --> 00:35:03,710 Thank you. 467 00:35:41,450 --> 00:35:42,450 Somebody's at my... 468 00:36:47,950 --> 00:36:51,010 Even now, I can't believe it happened. 469 00:36:56,550 --> 00:36:57,510 My 470 00:36:57,510 --> 00:37:07,390 name 471 00:37:07,390 --> 00:37:11,250 is Professor Martin Cratermouse. 472 00:37:11,690 --> 00:37:16,970 The Institute of Interplanetary Research set up in 1950... 473 00:37:17,440 --> 00:37:20,940 to photograph the dark side of Patrick Moore. 474 00:37:21,880 --> 00:37:28,700 I was in my laboratory pondering the question, if space is infinite, why can 475 00:37:28,700 --> 00:37:30,120 never find somewhere to park? 476 00:37:30,460 --> 00:37:35,840 And I was joined by my lab assistant, Miss Dibley. Have you seen my 477 00:37:35,840 --> 00:37:38,760 parapeticles? Yes, they're very, very nice indeed. 478 00:37:40,140 --> 00:37:42,480 By the way, do you know you left your glasses behind? 479 00:37:43,660 --> 00:37:44,660 Thanks. 480 00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:47,680 Professor Cratermouse. 481 00:37:48,920 --> 00:37:49,920 Martin. 482 00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:53,460 There's something I've got to say to you. My God, look at that. 483 00:37:53,780 --> 00:37:56,560 It's something I've been meaning to say for a very long time. 484 00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:57,980 I just don't believe this. 485 00:37:58,300 --> 00:38:02,700 You see, Martin, I can't disguise my feelings for you any longer. 486 00:38:02,940 --> 00:38:06,220 It's terrible. It's awful. It's absolutely diabolical. 487 00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:10,360 Oh, will you stop reading the small print in that insurance policy and 488 00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:11,360 me? 489 00:38:11,660 --> 00:38:12,660 Sorry. 490 00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:14,020 Did you say something? 491 00:38:14,240 --> 00:38:15,240 Yes. 492 00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:20,700 I said I... Which one of you is Mr. Martin Cratermouse? 493 00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:23,040 What do you want? 494 00:38:23,940 --> 00:38:25,800 Sergeant Gadget, Scotland Yard. 495 00:38:26,660 --> 00:38:28,840 We've just found something up the allotments, Professor. 496 00:38:29,540 --> 00:38:31,880 Something not of this earth. 497 00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:34,660 I'll be right with you. This 498 00:38:34,660 --> 00:38:44,380 is 499 00:38:44,380 --> 00:38:45,540 Mrs. Froscott. 500 00:38:45,820 --> 00:38:46,820 who made the discovery. 501 00:38:47,520 --> 00:38:49,520 We'd better cordon off, just to be safe. 502 00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:52,600 What's he found? 503 00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:07,200 Well, 504 00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:12,380 it is my belief, Sergeant, that this is no ordinary cauliflower. 505 00:39:21,210 --> 00:39:22,210 Good God. 506 00:39:23,270 --> 00:39:24,270 Green. 507 00:39:25,250 --> 00:39:26,250 Idiot. 508 00:39:26,830 --> 00:39:28,250 It's got a worm up its nose. 509 00:39:29,930 --> 00:39:32,270 Reminds me a wee bit of an air hostess that used to work. 510 00:39:35,710 --> 00:39:37,010 I think he's coming round. 511 00:39:38,930 --> 00:39:40,190 Perhaps he's hungry. 512 00:39:40,690 --> 00:39:41,690 Try a banana. 513 00:39:42,150 --> 00:39:43,550 See if he takes that. 514 00:39:45,230 --> 00:39:46,230 This. 515 00:40:51,310 --> 00:40:52,310 Never easy. 516 00:40:52,810 --> 00:40:55,450 Have to do some further examinations, I'm afraid. 517 00:40:55,930 --> 00:40:58,750 Would you mind bringing over the x -ray scanner? 518 00:40:59,010 --> 00:41:00,450 Thank you. Certainly, Professor. 519 00:41:58,700 --> 00:41:59,558 if he's not alone. 520 00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:04,380 Even as we speak, there could be a whole host of hostile extraterrestrials 521 00:42:04,380 --> 00:42:07,920 waging up there to swoop down and lay us low. 522 00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:09,960 I'm ready. 523 00:44:24,650 --> 00:44:26,430 sure the sodium pentothal will keep him under? 524 00:44:27,010 --> 00:44:28,670 Well, if it doesn't, we'll just have to... 525 00:44:57,000 --> 00:45:01,080 And all international forces, east and west, have been placed on full military 526 00:45:01,080 --> 00:45:06,480 alert. If this is the end of the world as we know it, I want to tell you I love 527 00:45:06,480 --> 00:45:07,459 you, Martin. 528 00:45:07,460 --> 00:45:09,300 Stop this dibbly. 529 00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:10,920 Beverly. 530 00:45:27,050 --> 00:45:31,430 the new miracle space age lavatory cleanser. The tech is just out of the 531 00:45:31,850 --> 00:45:36,090 Any germs lurking under the rim, we'll wipe them all out. And the seedings are 532 00:45:36,090 --> 00:45:38,390 astronomical with, my God, Horace. 533 00:45:38,910 --> 00:45:40,250 Horace? There it is. 534 00:45:40,770 --> 00:45:42,370 Oh, my poor head. 535 00:45:42,690 --> 00:45:46,890 You never did, Horace. When you fell out of the helicopter yesterday, my God, I 536 00:45:46,890 --> 00:45:52,710 thought... Helicopter? I don't know what's been happening to me the last 24 537 00:45:52,710 --> 00:45:55,370 hours. I think I've been delirious. 538 00:45:55,570 --> 00:45:57,320 You mean you're both not... from another planet? 539 00:45:57,740 --> 00:45:59,900 No, Cricklewood, but you're close. 540 00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:01,360 Oh, 541 00:46:02,260 --> 00:46:03,580 I've got a terrible head. 542 00:46:03,780 --> 00:46:05,860 I don't know if it's a good eye, though. 543 00:46:08,780 --> 00:46:13,300 You must understand it's a mistake anyone could have made, Sergeant. 544 00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:16,020 You've made me look a right twit, Cranston House. 545 00:46:17,460 --> 00:46:18,660 I'll kill you. 546 00:46:18,980 --> 00:46:21,160 There's no need to. A little compassion, please. 547 00:46:27,820 --> 00:46:28,840 I deserved it. 548 00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:33,800 Green -skinned aliens from outer space. 549 00:46:35,320 --> 00:46:36,860 It's beautiful science fiction. 550 00:46:38,300 --> 00:46:40,020 It'll never happen in my life. 551 00:46:59,950 --> 00:47:02,490 isn't it, Ronnie? But before we go, a few late items of news. 552 00:47:02,790 --> 00:47:07,230 Yes, lawyers confirmed tonight that Sheikh Haroum El Ram is being sued for 553 00:47:07,230 --> 00:47:09,050 divorce by his 500 wives. 554 00:47:09,550 --> 00:47:12,370 Apparently they came home early and caught him with 500 other women. 555 00:47:14,350 --> 00:47:19,170 An interesting world record was set today when the man who cuts the grass at 556 00:47:19,170 --> 00:47:23,270 Heathrow got caught in the undercarriage of a departing jumbo. He became the 557 00:47:23,270 --> 00:47:24,570 first man to mow the Atlantic. 558 00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:32,320 Thieves broke into the National Art Gallery in New York today. Police sealed 559 00:47:32,320 --> 00:47:34,860 all the exits, whereupon the thieves escaped through all the entrances. 560 00:47:39,080 --> 00:47:45,140 And news, news of a major breakthrough in the fight against insomnia. 561 00:47:45,540 --> 00:47:47,920 You can now get crossroads in pill form. 562 00:47:50,400 --> 00:47:53,640 Finally, we've just heard wonderful news from Whipsnade. The panda, which has 563 00:47:53,640 --> 00:47:56,860 developed a liking for music, has mated with the head keeper's harmonium. 564 00:47:58,220 --> 00:48:00,100 Experts say this may create a pandemonium. 565 00:48:02,920 --> 00:48:07,640 Next week, we'll be bringing you a sensational veteran circus act. The 566 00:48:07,640 --> 00:48:11,960 Zolder will fire a pistol and his wife, Zenita, will catch the bullet in her 567 00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:14,140 teeth, which will be in a glass on top of her head. 568 00:48:16,980 --> 00:48:20,680 We'll be talking to the Hertfordshire parson who's accused of misconduct with 569 00:48:20,680 --> 00:48:24,080 his housekeeper after they found his vest in her pantry and her pants in his 570 00:48:24,080 --> 00:48:25,080 vestry. 571 00:48:26,510 --> 00:48:28,830 Good night from me. And it's a very good night from him. Good night.